Radical Acceptance as a pathway out of shame, self-judgement and the “trance of unworthiness”.
Tara Brach, American Psychologist and Buddhist meditation teacher writes extensively about the concept of Radical Acceptance as a pathway towards emotional freedom.
It is paradoxical by its very nature; rather than the belief that accepting ourselves will keep us from changing, we discover the opposite – when we stop judging and labelling ourselves for who we are, we create the conditions for genuine healing and change.
Indeed, in some Zen teaching, enlightenment, freedom, comes from being without anxiety about imperfection. In other words, the imperfection is here, but if we can be with it without reactivity, if we can offer ourselves unconditional caring presence, we can enable deep healing.
It is the nature of nature to be imperfect! Imperfection is intrinsic in all life forms.
But as humans, we take our imperfect leanings personally; we feel anxiety or shame or ‘badness’ because of imperfections, as if they define our essence.
As social beings, if we feel that our very ‘essence’ is bad, we fear we will be rejected, separate and alone. We often feel that we are to blame for our failings, and tell ourselves that we are failing more than other people. But grappling with imperfection is a universal experience.
Taking imperfections to be our fault leads to greater suffering because we tell ourselves that we should be able to ‘manage’ our body-mind behaviour; “I should” be able to control [insert your imperfection of choice here]; it is “my failing” that I am reactive, or eat more sugar than I need to.
We conclude that ‘this is bad and I am bad’.
What is particularly unique to humans is what, in Buddhist psychology, is referred to as “Second Arrowing”.
We go through life being shot by two arrows; the first arrow is the inevitable pain of imperfection – the physical pain of grief, hurt, anger or fear.
The ‘Second Arrow’ is the when we judge ourselves as ‘bad’ for what is happening.
We cannot avoid the range of feelings that are painful in our human experience.
The second stage is optional – the labelling of ourselves. The pain cannot be avoided, but the suffering can, because we solidify that sense of a ‘bad self’.
This is what Brach refers to as the “trance of unworthiness” – a deeply engrained, often unconscious, state of feeling fundamentally flawed, deficient or unloveable.
Radical Acceptance is actively trying to shift this relationship with imperfection. It is an unconditional, accepting, presence for how we are right in this moment; a presence with “what is”. It is saying that these feelings, these patterns of behaviour are here, and it is in the not fighting it, or resisting it, or the labelling of badness or “bad self” that creates the shift.
Could you relate to these “imperfections” with Radical Acceptance? What if you could regard them in this moment with presence and kindness? Who would you be? What if you were without anxiety about imperfection? What would your life be like?
The founder of Person-Centred Therapy, Carl Rogers, famously stated:
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, I am free to change”.
Radical Acceptance is acknowledging the presence of pain without ‘second arrowing’ into the judgement or labelling of the self as ‘bad’ because of the pain. It is an allowing presence with “what is”.
The ‘second arrow’ of self-hatred, self-criticism and shame, can keep us stuck. When we create space for ‘what is’ we create new possibilities for growth and change.
Radical acceptance is the pre-condition to transformation. It takes dedication to resist labelling ourselves or our behaviour as bad. Sometimes only when we realise the pain of radical non-acceptance, or the reality of how much shame and blame we carry, are we able to explore something new.
It is the ability to love and accept ourself just as we are; shifting away from the concept of a bad self to an understanding that we all have basic goodness. From a foundation of presence and care for self, accepting the imperfections, we can sense and trust, more and more, the true essence of ourself as we identify less with the labels we give ourselves.
Brach often uses the expression:
“When we trust that we are the ocean, we are not afraid of the waves”
Meaning, aim to hold what is here with kindness, identifying with the broader ocean and not just with the waves.
She shares her teachings of a R.A.I.N. meditation as a way of offering yourself true presence without the second arrow:
R – Recognise what is happening
A– Allow the experience to be here, just as it is
I- Investigate with interest and care
N- Nurture with self-compassion
Practising this meditation at times of heightened anxiety, or on a regular basis, offers a chance to tend to yourself with kind awareness rather than suffering further by judging emotions as a failure of self.
Or maybe, for now, simply place a hand on your own heart when you are inclined to judge yourself harshly for your imperfect humanity; this might begin a shift towards the tender presence, or acceptance, that you might need.
To find out more about Tara Brach, visit Tara Brach.com